Online assistance

Begin online chat:

Vrkkk:   Hello Dave, my name is Vrkkk Obletzgrkk, how may I assist you today?

Dave:    Hi, Vrkkk. I’m having some difficulty with my matter transporter, and I think there must be something I’m doing wrong.

Vrkkk:   Certainly Dave, I’ll be happy to assist you with your difficulties with your matter transporter.

Dave:    Great, thanks.

Vrkkk:   You are most welcome Dave. I am only too happy to be of assistance with any of your VKK products.

Dave:    Good. I’m glad.

Vrkkk:   It makes me very happy to know that my services are making you glad, Dave. It really is an enormous pleasure dealing with you.

Dave:    Excellent.

(Fairly long pause)

Dave:    Sorry, are you waiting for me?

Vrkkk:   If you would be happy to explain the nature of the difficulties that you appear to be experiencing with your VKK matter transportation unit then I would be overjoyed to do everything that is at all within my power to bend over backwards to assist you with it.

Dave:    Yes. Well, to put it simply, it doesn’t actually seem to be working, so I’m assuming there must be something fundamental that I haven’t been doing.

Vrkkk:   I will be delighted to help you with that. May I ask, if you would be so kind, could you possibly bring yourself to advise me of what the model number is on your unit.

Dave:    It’s just the standard AE35 model.

Vrkkk:   Sir, please do not say ‘just’. The AE35 is an outstanding piece of technology, and I am delighted that you have demonstrated the wisdom of being so sensible as to choose it.

Dave:    Okay. Well, that’s the model anyway. And as I say, outstanding or not, it’s currently not working.

Vrkkk:   I see. May I ask, do you see, on the top of the unit, a small red button? It should have what looks like  a circle with a line segment intersecting it. Please take your time in locating it. I have plenty of time, and I’m not going anywhere until I have completely solved all of the problems that you appear to be experiencing.

Dave:    Yes, yes, it is turned on. I did manage that.

Vrkkk:   Has the light next to the switch illuminated? Is the unit plugged into the wall?

Dave:    Yes, look, believe me, it’s on.

Vrkkk:   That’s no problem at all, sir, I very much appreciate your checking that for me.

Dave:    The thing is, I’m about to move to Zplattenkrk, and I was just going to send a few of my things ahead of me, before getting the supertrain.

Vrkkk:   May I suggest sir, that you consider acquiring the larger AR75 from our range, and transporting yourself? It is now guaranteed for safe human transport over distances up to 8000 Vuittons.

Dave:    Guaranteed? What do you mean guaranteed?

Vrkkk:   It cannot go wrong.

Dave:    Well, that’s not really what guaranteed means, is it? What you mean is, if it does go wrong, you’ll give me my money back. Except of course, if it fails, my atoms will be scattered to the winds.

Vrkkk:   The AR75 cannot fail. It is fail safe.

Dave:    What does that mean?

Vrkkk:   It uses patented digital confirmation technology to ensure the integrity of the remote structure prior to relocalisation.

Dave:    Oh, you mean it builds a complete copy of me at the other end, and waits until it’s sure I’ve arrived before disintegrating me?

Vrkkk:   Sir, you will not be disintegrated, you can have my clearest assurances of that in every conceivable respect or my name is by no means Vrkkk Obletzgrkk.

Dave:    Even if it is, can we get back to my current troubles? The problem is that I have put my suitcase into the machine, dialled in the coordinates of my girlfriend’s house in Zplattenkrk, and pressed the ‘send’ button, and nothing at all happens.

Vrkkk:   Could you please be so kind as to repeat the procedure and tell me what happens to the small green light which is next to the small green light.

Dave:    The small green light which next to the small green light? Surely they both are?

Vrkkk:   I am terribly sorry to say that I am not at all clear what you are meaning by this.

Dave:    Well, there are two green lights. Each of them is next to the other one. Which one should I be watching?

Vrkkk:   Ah, sir, please accept my most profound and self-mortifying apologies. Death is too good for me and the ground should swallow me up and take to the deepest of hells for perpetual torment. I have made an error. I meant to say the small green light which is next to the small orange light.

Dave:    Ah, okay. It is also next to a small green light, though.

Vrkkk:   Oh no, not that one. On the other side. Is it flashing constantly?

Dave:    No. It’s flashing intermittently.

Vrkkk:   Ah. That is bad.

Dave:    Is it? I suppose it’s sort of constant.

Vrkkk:   Sir, will you please grant me the greatest of indulgences by entering into the keypad the following code R-R-8-7-8-R-J-R?

Dave:    Done that.

Vrkkk:   And now, in your own time, please initiate the send, and I can assure you that your suitcase will immediately be transmitted to the finest place in your girlfriend’s home in Zplattenkrk.

Dave:    Wow. Yes, it has indeed disappeared. It smells a bit funny here though.

Vrkkk:   Are you able to verify that it has arrived?

Dave:    I have just had a text from her. She says it has arrived.

Vrkkk:   That is the most exquisite news I have ever heard in my life, sir.

Dave:    Actually, there’s a problem. Apparently the suitcase is now made of my belongings, and my belongings are all made of suitcase.

Vrkkk:   That is much more disappointing news by comparison, sir.

Dave:    Yes. Most of my favourite stuff was in there.

Vrkkk:   Indeed sir, this misfortune is profoundly to be regretted for the rest of time, sir.

Dave:    So, what do I do? Do you think if I asked Alice to send it back to me, it might reverse the changes?

Vrkkk:   I can by no means guarantee that that would happen.

Dave:    Well, what am I supposed to do then?

Vrkkk:   Sir, I am most dreadfully sorry, but I have just received information that there is a serious flaw with the AE35, and all of them are being recalled for immediate replacement.

(fairly long pause)

Dave:    This has not been a good chat. You have not helped me at all. I’d have been a lot better off if I hadn’t listened to you.

Vrkkk:   I am sorry for this inconvenience you have suffered.

Dave:    It’s not just an inconvenience. My most cherished belongings have just been converted into a suitcase. And vice versa.

Vrkkk:   Sir, you must not hesitate. You must return the AE35 to us for immediate replacement.

Dave:    I’m not sure I want another one. Can I have my money back?

Vrkkk:   May I recommend that we offer you a discount on the AR75 as recompense? I could have it couriered to you tonight? Then you will be able to be with your girlfriend tonight.

Dave:    Wearing my entrails and skeleton outside my skin?

Vrkkk:   Sir, you would not be wearing your entrails and your skeleton outside your skin. As I have earlier explained to you, the AR75 is fail-safe.

Dave:    I’m afraid I don’t want to be vapourised so that an exact duplicate of me can continue my life with no one telling the difference, if you don’t mind.

Vrkkk:   In that case, Dave, I am grateful for your chat, and will terminate this session.

Dave:    This is appalling.

(Chat terminated)

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