Pornography – Upgoer 5 – 1

Upgoer 5 is a description of a Saturn 5 rocket created by xkcd.com artist Randall Munroe.
See here: http://xkcd.com/1133/

For this, he uses a vocabulary that consists of no more than ‘ten hundred’ words. The following description uses no more than that vocabulary.

People usually wear clothes, even when it is very hot. It is interesting that people who come from a place where it is always hot, and where the other people have all lived there for a long time, and where the people who come from other places have not made them change what they do very much, then they sometimes don’t wear clothes very much. Well, they do wear some things, but they often don’t cover the same parts of their bodies that the cold-living people always like to keep covered. Mostly the parts that cold-living people keep covered are the ones that show that they are one sex or the other. So women cover their breasts and their baby holes, and usually their bottoms too. (The baby holes are where men put their baby sticks when the woman wants to have a baby. And other times. More about that in a minute.) Men cover their baby sticks. Both sexes cover their bottom holes, even though they both have one. That’s probably because smelly stuff comes out of their bottom holes, and they don’t want to look at each others bottom holes and think about the smelly stuff coming out. It’s also true that smelly stuff comes out of near a woman’s baby hole, and out of the end of a man’s baby stick, but that isn’t the real reason that they keep them covered up.

When a woman covers up her breasts and her baby hole and her bottom, and keeps them covered up, it makes the men wonder what her breasts and baby hole look like. It’s a bit strange that they do, because breasts all look more or less the same. They are slightly different sizes and shapes, but they mostly look like soft half-balls with a long bit where a baby can feed. (You’ll see that all this is really about babies, and in another way, not about babies at all). Baby holes and baby sticks look very very much like each other too, so you might wonder why men are so interested in what they look like, until you remember that people look almost exactly the same as each other too, and yet all people are very very interested in how people look different from each other, and care a lot exactly what they look like. If you tried to make somebody believe that another person was his mother just by making the other person wear stuff to make her look a bit like his mother, you would almost certainly not do it well enough to make him really believe it.

So it is no surprise that men get very very excited thinking about what women look like without their clothes on. The trouble is that there are only really two ways to find out what a woman looks like under her clothes, if you are not to get locked up. One is to get very good friends with the woman so that she takes her clothes off in your company and you can look at her. The other is to pay her a lot of money to take her clothes off and let you look at her. Now, some people who pay money to women to take her clothes off take pictures of her with her clothes off. Then they can show other people what she looks like without her clothes on. Pictures of women without their clothes on are very interesting to men, and they will pay for them. So this makes the people taking the pictures take more, and pay the women more. Some women make all their money taking their clothes off, because they make more money doing that than they would doing anything else that they are able to do. They get good at taking their clothes off, and do it in a way that makes the men more excited. They also wear clothes which are special and which make them look very pretty before they have taken their clothes off. In this way, the picture takers can take many many pictures of just one woman taking her clothes off.

Now, let’s think about why men get excited looking at pictures of women with no clothes on. It is because when they are with a woman with no clothes on, it is usually because she is going to let him put his baby stick in her baby hole. If his baby stick is going to go into her baby hole, it has to get hard, which it (almost) always does when he is with a woman with no clothes on. So when he sees a picture of a woman with no clothes on, it makes his baby stick go hard too. And if his baby stick goes hard, he wants to put it into a baby hole. Usually, when he’s looking at a picture, there aren’t any baby holes ready for him, so he has to rub his baby stick to make it feel like it’s going into a baby hole. After he does this for a while, his baby stick makes baby stuff come out. Usually that would go into the baby hole, but it can’t. This might all seem very very strange, except that we have not yet heard about how nice it is putting baby sticks in baby holes. This is so that people like making babies, because if they didn’t there wouldn’t be any more babies, and people would go and do other things instead, and then there would be no more people. To make sure he keeps it in until the baby stuff comes out, it is nicest for him when the baby stuff is actually coming out. Also to make sure he stops, it stops being nice for a while after the baby juice has come out, and his baby stick goes soft. This feeling is so nice, that men often make their baby sticks make baby stuff even when there is no woman anywhere near them. To help them do this, they often like to think about women with no clothes on, and they will often look at pictures of women with no clothes on, because it is more fun than imagining them.

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