UNWIN: Eunace, I have decided. I want a divorce.
EUNACE: Are you serious?
UNWIN: I’m not sure.
UNWIN: What do you mean, what?
EUNACE: You want a divorce, but you’re not sure?
UNWIN: Well, I’m 52 percent sure.
EUNACE: That doesn’t sound like very much.
UNWIN: No, it isn’t.
EUNACE: How do you even come up with a number like that?
UNWIN: Don’t ask.
EUNACE: Well, I am asking. It’s a fair enough question if you’re going to divorce me.
UNWIN: I made a big list.
EUNACE: A list?
UNWIN: Of all your good points.
EUNACE: Oh yes…?
UNWIN: And all your bad points.
UNWIN: Well, when I’d finished, I sort of added them up
EUNACE: I hope the bad points didn’t take long to add up.
UNWIN: Well, that’s it, you see.
UNWIN: There were 52 bad points, and only 48 good points.
EUNACE: Oh my God.
UNWIN: So there you have it.
EUNACE: You came up with a hundred things to say about me? I can only think of about three for you.
UNWIN: No, there weren’t a hundred. There were only really 10.
EUNACE: How do you get 52 bad points then?
UNWIN: I weighted them.
UNWIN: According to how important they were.
EUNACE: How did you do this? How did you decide the weight.
UNWIN: Well, you know. I just kind of – thought about how important they were.
EUNACE: Wait, wait. You’re telling me that after over forty years of marriage –
UNWIN: I’m not saying there haven’t been good times –
EUNACE: Don’t interrupt. You’re telling me that after over forty years of marriage, you want a divorce. You tell me that you’re 52 percent sure, and that’s why you’re leaving me, and you try to pretend that you’ve done it all in a very mathematical –
EUNACE: Shut up – a very mathematical – a very, in fact, nerdily mathematical and precise way –
UNWIN: There’s nothing wrong with being mathematical and precise
EUNACE: But it turns out that you’ve just gone on your gut feeling with some of these things.
UNWIN: Well, some of them you have to. Not everything is mathematical, you know.
EUNACE: Can I hear what some of these bad points are?
UNWIN: Yes. Number one. You’re overbearing.
UNWIN: You tell me what to do.
EUNACE: I tell you what to do? Like how?
UNWIN: Shopping. When I go to the supermarket, I have to get exactly what you want me to get.
EUNACE: Because we’ve decided that those are the things we both like.
UNWIN: Yes, but if I get something which isn’t on the list, you get me to take it back.
EUNACE: We aren’t made of money. We have to stick to what we know we like and can afford.
UNWIN: Well, I just think that if I were on my own, I’d be able to buy whatever I want.
EUNACE: Yes, but you’d have no one to share it with.
UNWIN: We’d still be neighbours. I could still come round and see you.
EUNACE: Oh great.
UNWIN: Number two (related to number one) I always have to go to the same shops.
EUNACE: Those are the shops that we have agreed are the ones which sell what we want, and don’t overcharge us.
UNWIN: If Mr Johnson thought he was getting our regular custom, I could negotiate some better prices.
EUNACE: I don’t want you going to Mr Johnson.
UNWIN: There, you see?
EUNACE: Look the whole point of being together is that we do things together.
UNWIN: Why don’t you go to the shops with me then?
EUNACE: Because I cook.
UNWIN: What if I want to cook?
EUNACE: You can cook if you want. Know any recipes?
UNWIN: That’s not fair.
EUNACE: Come on. Number three?
UNWIN: No wait, the point is that if I were on my own, I could get better prices from Mr Johnson, and others like him. They’re keen to sell to the single gentleman.
EUNACE: I bet. Number three?
UNWIN: Your friends.
EUNACE: Yes? What about them?
UNWIN: They come round too often.
EUNACE: Look, we want to be a friendly and supportive household don’t we?
UNWIN: Yes, but you never ask me.
EUNACE: We agreed this at the start. It was one of the things that got us together. An open and inclusive household. Your friends can come round too, remember?
EUNACE: And they do.
EUNACE: So what’s the problem?
UNWIN: They smell.
UNWIN: Some of them. And they talk funny.
EUNACE: That’s because you make no effort to understand.
UNWIN: They look funny too.
EUNACE: Some of your mates are no oil paintings.
UNWIN: I just think we should have fewer people round sometimes.
EUNACE: Oh sometimes. When it suits you, right?
UNWIN: That’s not fair.
EUNACE: No, come on, that’s it, isn’t it? You want to be able to call the shots, and say who comes round and when?
UNWIN: I’d just like a bit of control, that’s all.
EUNACE: Control? Now who’s being overbearing?
UNWIN: This is different.
EUNACE: Look, you remember when Gaston came round?
UNWIN: Yes, I like Gaston.
EUNACE: And you fell off that chair you were dancing on?
UNWIN: He brought the bloody Pernod.
EUNACE: Yes, but he fixed you up nicely didn’t he?
UNWIN: Staunched the blood, put in some stitches, yes.
EUNACE: What would have happened if Gaston hadn’t been here?
UNWIN: Yes, but that’s Gaston. It’s the other ones I don’t like.
UNWIN: The ones that come round and don’t do anything. They, you know, they don’t bring anything to the party.
UNWIN: You know. The ones.
EUNACE: There aren’t any.
EUNACE: Stavros brought something to the party.
EUNACE: Exactly. It’s traditional.
UNWIN: Yes, but who had to sweep them up?
EUNACE: It was your turn.
UNWIN: Anyway, my mind is made up.
EUNACE: By 52 percent.
EUNACE: So you’re going to find someone else?
UNWIN: There are other fish in the sea – now that we can exclude the Spanish, heheh.
EUNACE: Someone who won’t tell you what shops to go to? Someone who’ll let you shop anywhere? Someone who will let you have whoever you want round, and won’t mind if you stop them having her friends round?
UNWIN: I’ll find someone.
EUNACE: I’ll give you two years.
UNWIN: From when.
EUNACE: From whenever you say you’re going.
EUNACE: So when will that be?
UNWIN: I’ll let you know.