A Socratic dialogue
Simplicius: Wilt thou comest with me unto yon demonstration upon Saturday hence, good Sophilia?
Sophilia: Wherefore are the people demonstrating, Simplicius?
Si: Sooth, they are going to kick Cameron’s butt into ye middle of nexte weeke.
So: Wherefore is Squire Cameron to be thus humiliated, Simplicius?
Si: Verily, it is because of all that stuff he done, innit?
Si: Zounds, yes. About him having stolen money off the people and having lied about it and all that. I’truth.
So: Heavens, Simplicius, when did all this happen? I must confess, I have not been paying all the attention that I might otherwise have done to the twittersphere and the book of the face. Even the ancient device called the television hath passed my attention, for I have been doing much reading of actual books, which I do confess I find a most pleasing and stimulating pastime.
Si: Can it be true? Hath thou not heard how Cameron did lie to the general populace about the detail of the arrangements of his affairs?
So: He has had an affair?
Si: You misunderstand me, though the fault must surely be mine. I mean his taxational affairs. He is exposed as a member of the criminal underclass who do use subterfuge and intrigue to disguise the whereabouts and the wherewithal of their estate, and to defraud we, the poor, of the money that we are due by means of taxation and social security and stuff.
So: I’m not actually that poor.
Si: Compared to him.
So: Maybe, but still not that poor. Neither are you actually. Forsooth.
Si: Anyway, we – that is the general populace, which is uprising – and I, are going to take up residence in yon Downing Street, and we aren’t going to move until he doth resign.
So: Wherefore should he actually resign, though?
Si: Because he is a crook, innit?
So: But why really?
Si: Because! Really, hath thou been spending so much time with thy books that thou has verily heard nought at all of this?
So: Isaiah Berlin is such a compelling writer.
Si: Thou shouldst spend some time in the actual real world, mate.
So: So tell me please, good Simplicius, what he hath actually done.
Si: What hasn’t he done?
So: Well, you could tell me that if you want, but I fear we wouldst be here rather longer than I can frankly afford.
Si: He’s got one of those offshore trusts.
So: An offshore trust?
Si: Or something like that.
Si: Sooth, that’s what all these Panatella Papers is about that hath got people so aerated.
So: Doth they say why?
Si: The people or the papers?
Si: Faith, it doth seem to me that it be about the rich people stuffing us over.
So: Doth it?
Si: Sooth. Verily there seemeth to be one rule for ye rich and another for ye poor.
So: And what be they?
So: What be the rules, of which thou dost so eloquently speak?
Si: The rules be that ye poor be yoked to their poverty forever for we must pay ever so much of our hard earned money over to ye government in taxation, and yet members of that same government such as Squire Cameron doth not.
So: Doth not he?
Si: Verily not. He hath squirreled it away in one of these here offshore trust of which I ere did speak.
So: The Squire hath squirreled?
Si: Well, not as such, i’truth.
So: Truth? That hath stumbled ye?
Si: He hath not actually squirreled it away, but he could have done.
So: But did not, be that the case?
Si: But he hath lied. Lied about his affairs.
So: Hath he?
Si: He started out last Monday by saying that it wast none of anyone else’s business, and he would not tell a fig about his affairs, it being what he hath had the temerity to call ‘a private matter’.
So: Temerity indeed.
Si: Then the next day, he hath represented that he had none of the things that he was accused of having.
So: And was he not believed when he did so represent?
Si: I’faith it was rather that he hath not told the whole story about what might hath happened in the past.
So: And what hath in fact happened in the past?
Si: The weasel hath finally admitted last Friday that he and Mistress Cameron hath indeed owned shares in the offshore trust.
So: Was it indeed an offshore trust?
Si: Something like that.
So: Knowst thou not?
Si: Sooth if it be not bloody complicated.
So: And hath the Camerons been indeed ripping off the poor hardworking British taxpayer?
Si: Indeed not. He hath paid the tax when he hath sold his shares, which he hath done before he hath become Her Majesty’s Prime Minister.
So: Forbear with me for saying that I am verily penetrated fundamentally if I can see what all ye fuss be about.
Si: Canst ye not? Dost not thou think that they should both be paraded full naked to Parliament Square and there to be tarred and feathered before being dropped into ye Thames?
So: No more than many others who seem to me to hath done far worse.
Si: Thinkst thou that he should not then be at least stripped of his office and hounded into hiding by a baying mob?
So: I am stretching my brains to think of a single reason why.
Si: Dost thou wish for us all to be murdered by the toffs with their evil means of messing with our minds and stealing our money?
So: Not much.
Si: Wilt thou then not come with me to ye demonstration to demand that the evil Tory scum should be kicked all the way down Whitehall with an automatic kicking machine? Sooth we are promised that the giant pink pig with a picture of Cameron shall be there again.
So: A giant pink pig?
Si: Verily it was on Twitter, innit.
So: Oh all right then.